When that magical moment strikes our
lives where we see those two miraculous lines on our pregnancy test strip, it
transforms us, our partners, and our lives. The thrill begins. The thrill of
bringing into this world a whole new life, a whole new person overwhelms you :)
In this era of finding a world of
information at your fingertips, we cannot resist to register in babycentre,
what to expect and other such websites only to get a sneak peek as to what is
exactly happening in our wombs. The awe at seeing those 3D animated videos of
in-utero babies every week and imagining our child like that is matchless. I
remember waking up every Sunday with great enthusiasm just to check out what
every baby app has got to say about the tiny life growing inside my tummy and what
this week has got in store for us! The apps offer prenatal yoga classes and
other such exercises on purchase and every day you cannot wait to stretch those
swollen, sore muscles of yours and prepare them for the much awaited child
birth. The experiences of actually seeing our baby twitch and turn in his
sleep, of seeing tiny strands of hair on his face, and many more such amazing
scenes during our ultra sounds are pure magic! All of this technology has only
empowered us, to-be-parents staying far away on our own. It has prepared us for
every pregnancy symptom possible. It has helped us tone our bodies and prepare
it for the supernatural task of child birth through proper diet and exercise.
We went into that labor room knowing what was going to happen to us at every
stage, we had the tools to cope with every kind of pain, we knew what the nurse
was bringing to us, what she was about to do to us. We signed or did not sign
the papers for episiotomy and epidural knowing what those meant and their pros
and cons. Doesn't knowing what is happening in, around and to you, help and
empower you? Yes, you always need to keep your eyes and ears and brains open
for misleading information but any sane person who uses the internet for
mindful, worthy reading recognizes what is fake. Even People talk gibberish
while advising; don't we recognize it when we hear? Now all this will sound,
"Oh! Soo true!" for the broad minded ears but for the rest, it will
sound," Oh! This internet, technology and today's doctors are driving people
crazy these days.”
We are at our happy place in a cocoon
where we only have like-minded people around us. But then suddenly that doesn't
seem enough. We yearn to be with our dear ones staying afar and feeling as much
thrilled as we are. We crave for meals cooked by our mothers, mothers in law
and aunts. We crave for more of our people around us, the more the merrier
isn't it? So, we fly. We fly into the homes and arms of our loved ones. We go
back to our roots. What better place to bring in a new member of our families
than our ancestral homes? It feels like everyone around us exists to pamper us.
We are pampered hither and thither. Our favorite meals are cooked, delicious
snacks are brought home, aromatic, ayurvedic herbs, medicines and oils are
brought home for us, helps are hired to oil massage and bathe us. We are
treated special everywhere. More than these luxuries, for the believers, the
spiritual environment that our soil, our land, our culture offers are
matchless. The divinity in and around us seem palpable when we circumambulate
our favorite deity with hearts full of good thoughts and prayers for the little
life growing inside us. When we stand with folded hands and closed eyes in
front of the deity lit only by the golden glow of the evening lamp, every cell
in our body reverberates with gratitude to the Almighty for making us a part of
this Divine act of Creation. However tables turn when the baby exits our bodies
and enters this world.
All the luxuries and pampering are
still in place, our now wounded, tired bodies are still well taken care of but
little do our hearts and minds know that they are in for a very difficult,
lonely ride.
When a baby is born, a mother too is
born. Just like the new born struggles to fight and survive in this world, the
new mother too struggles and fights her own silent battle, only that her cries
are not heard or seen or empathized by many. First of all, we new mothers get
the shock of our lives when it sinks in that our new borns do not look, sound
or behave like the poster babies we are so used to or like the next door neighbor’s
adorable smiling, playful 6 months old. Our babies are tiny, wobbly, scared,
angry, sad little beings. To top it all, my child had colic for the first 3 months of his life. For starters,
according to the bible of modern baby upbringing, baby centre,
“Colic is uncontrollable crying in an
otherwise healthy baby. Your baby is considered colicky if he’s younger than 5
months old and cries for more than three hours in a row on three or more days a
week for at least three weeks (phew!). Colic isn't a disease and won't cause
your baby any long-term harm, but it's a tough thing to go through for babies
and their parents."
In pure honest raw sense, doctors
seem to say your baby has colic when they seem to have no idea why he or she is
crying for so long for so many times a day! This is why the sought after famous
pediatrician Dr.Sears corrected the term colicky baby and sensitized it
into, "The hurting baby". Yes, my child was hurting. Everyone
around him could make out that it wasn't a baby tantrum; it was real hurt being
translated into cries. He was hurting more than once in a day for hours
together, for weeks and months. Every day he used to cry his heart and lungs
out with eyes shut tight to the world that so wanted to ease his pain
and make him feel better. Every single person around him tried consoling
him in whatever ways they could but in vain. I sat in silence for those hours completely clueless
as to what I could do to make him feel better. I was the mother right? Where
was I going wrong? Was I eating something I shouldn't? Was I doing something I
shouldn't? Did I commit any mistake during my pregnancy? While my mind was
racing with such doubts about myself, the world around me had its own doubts.
Was I running low on milk? Was the child starving? Slowly these comments
trickled down to my ears too! And then they never stopped coming! To see
your baby cry out his soul and to wonder if you are making him starve, breaks
you into pieces and kills you as a mother! That is when I realized, I
was prepared for childbirth but not for motherhood!
The first ever step of motherhood for
any mammal begins with feeding its young one, nourishing its young through its
own milk. See, how I managed to send the message across without using the term
"breasts"? Why? Because that word, the sight of it is still a taboo
among our so called forward thinking society. I have been judged brutally for
even posting about breastfeeding and for talking about it! I'll save that part
for later. What I was about to say was that everyone told us that
childbirth was gonna be tough. They spoke of sleepless nights and painful first
days. But I had no clue that nursing my child would be such a skill, almost
like a duet dance where you and your child would take days, weeks or
even months to master the art. I always thought what breastfeeding? Just
put the child to the breast and tadaa the child feeds itself! Wrong wrong
wrong! There are a hundred issues that could come in the way- tongue ties,
latching issues, wrong positioning, cleft lips, flat or inverted nipples,
cracked bleeding nipples and the list goes on and on. And just when you think
you both have mastered the art and now nothing can go wrong; a Growth spurt shows its
face and throws every order, every routine out of track! However, in my
case I was blessed with none of the above feeding issues. Yes we did take some
time to get the positioning well, yes growth spurts drove us crazy, but
thankfully my son was a pro at latching! But that again put me in self-doubts-
he wasn't doing anything wrong, then why was he crying at my breasts? The fact
was, my son actually cried everywhere and the reason we came to know later was
NOT hunger but colic pain. But the seeds of doubt were sown, so here I was
miserable and blaming my body for not being motherly enough! This is not just
my story; it is the story of almost every new mother I know personally. The
moment people can't figure out why the baby cries or can't console the baby,
the blame is immediately put on the already confused, overwhelmed, scared,
stressed out mother's milk supply!!! I remember googling frantically, day and night
about diets and other ways to follow to increase my supply- when actually my
child was peeing off and wetting diapers to glory and was gaining weight
perfectly!! People should know that it’s these doubts that they unnecessarily verbalize
and the stress that they create in the minds of new mothers that bring down her
otherwise well and good supply!!
I knew there were people around me thinking as to why I
was obsessed about not wanting to formula feed. FF was simply not for
me. I have nothing against moms who FF their children nor do I have anything
against moms who have undergone C-sections. But personally I wanted neither.
Precisely why I worked very hard, sweated it out and prayed hard for a normal
delivery. I believe The Most in Nature. No man on earth is as intelligent as
nature itself. I wanted my birth experience to be as natural as it could be and
in the same way, I wanted to nourish my child exactly as nature had
planned.
So, here I was feeling miserable and clueless about where my feeding journey
was headed, when my God sent angel, Mrs. Reshma Ragupathy, my husband's friend
added me to this wonderful group on fb called, Breastfeeding Support For Indian Moms. I was told that the
admins of the group were certified lactation consultants and could post a query
and get a reliable answer at any time of the day. At first, I was a mere
audience in the group. I marveled at the courage of the women in the group to
post queries, pictures and videos of their feeding journeys without any
inhibitions. And every query got so many immediate and genuine replies! Exactly
when my child turned 6 weeks old, a major growth spurt threw our lives haywire;
only that I didn't know how to identify a growth spurt then! His fussing during
feedings peaked and he outright rejected nursing for an entire evening!
The whole world around me as well as myself were now sure that the baby
is going hungry. We almost decided to regularly top up with formula from the
next day. However thankfully, he nursed well during the night and that again
confused me and reminded me that I am missing something here. After hours
and hours of googling that whole night, I finally realized I couldn't
completely trust google with my child's life! That's when I finally mustered
the courage to post my query in the group and at 3:00 AM in the darkness
with just the glow of my phone screen for a light, I posted my first query to
the group. Imagine my glee, when I got my first replies the very next time I
woke up to feed my son, may be past just an hour and a half or so! It certainly
was good news delivered in kind and empathetic words and helpful easy to
remember infographics!
I felt abundantly grateful and instantly empowered with my new found reliable knowledge! The group helped me learn about the miraculous properties of breastmilk. For e.g. Did you know that it changes its properties according to the age and health of the baby, time of the day and the weather conditions of the residing place? The group inspired me with their tougher than what I had to face life stories. The group helped me laugh at their anecdotes! And last but not least I feel I have a sisterhood for support spanning the whole wide world! Thank you to the pioneers, admins, and peer counsellors of the group- Thanks a million J
But but but bringing up of my baby had apparently not met with the happy the endings. Can you believe that even after my baby has almost reached 6 months of Exclusively being breastfed, even after he has thankfully achieved all his milestones at the right time, even though he thankfully weighs normal, even though he is super active and by far ever so gratefully healthy, there are people out there who doubt if I have supply issues!
We the mommies of 2016 babies live in a highly conflicting world where current health recommendations say one thing, different doctors suggest different things and the rest of the world suggests completely different things. But the point is where your baby is concerned- EVERYONE, EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW HAS A SUGGESTION!!! Suggestions are fine as long as they are just that- honest, sincere suggestions said Once or twice. But when it is repeated countless number of times by countless number of people, day in and day out, or almost pushed through your throat or accompanied by harsh judgements, accusations and scowls it feels more like abuse!!---yes, Mental Abuse!!
The World Health Organization and UNICEF recommendations on breastfeeding are as follows:
“Initiation of breastfeeding within the first hour after the birth; exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months; and continued breastfeeding for two years or more, together with safe, nutritionally adequate, age appropriate, responsive complementary feeding starting in the sixth month.”
Now there are people who say," So, this is the 'In-thing' these days huh?" Really? Think again. Nursing is primal and natural for every mammal on earth! It was there in every culture since centuries. There are countless artefacts from history showing mothers nursing infants and toddlers fearlessly in public! It is now that we have forgotten it and undermine its benefits. The most controversial aspects of the above recommendation in our culture are -
1. Everyone has a problem with the exclusive breastfeeding clause “What you won't give even water to the child?" "You are starving that kid." "You are such a cruel mother!" "Let us give just a spoon of water to the poor child." "Give vayambu, butter, honey, a teaspoon of fresh fruit juice!
2. Everyone has a problem with the 6 months duration of EBF "Start giving purees or he'll keep making you sit and nurse for hours." "He'll not eat everything if you start solids late." "Poor guy, at least give something other than your breast to him."
3. Everyone has a problem with the 2 years duration of CF "When will you wean him off?" "Will this go on forever?" "You wait and see, he will not stop now, you will have a tough time weaning him off.”
I mean which part of all this is not tough??? I had absolutely no idea that, nursing in itself would be so tough. Sleepless nights, countless breast arrests, nursing strikes, growth spurts, cluster feedings, teething, and forever aching backs and necks! On top of that the UN has made the target duration of EBF tougher than it was for our predecessors whose target was 3 or 4 months. Continuing nursing for such a long duration also invariably involves another challenge- Nursing in public, in malls, on roads, in cars, in hospitals, in restaurants and imagines it if there is no feeding room and you have to do it among judgmental or nosy or close minded crowd! And the whole world around us makes it tougher with its constant well intended 'suggestions'!
I have read and seen among my dear ones that most women stop breastfeeding much before they are personally ready either because of misleading information that they get from people around or due to a lack of support from family, friends and society at large. Come on; stop making it much harder for us than it already is!
First, don't argue, confuse and discourage with wrong info, get your facts right before that! Second, support support support, coz the mother is simply trying to do what nature has created her for! Phew! There were days when my little one's tiny eyes and flash of gums were my only strength to keep going.
Suggestions and accusations do not stop at my child's feeding alone. My colicky 2 month old child was expected to play alone on a mat for long durations, he was expected to sleep alone in a room for long durations, he was expected to be laid on bed as soon as he fell asleep on me, he was expected to be bulky, he was expected not to be so fussy and cry so much, he was expected to be more playful, he was expected to be shown to guests even while he was in distress, crying his lungs out, he was expected to poop daily, he was expected to like being held lengthwise on one's arms when all he ever allowed us was to hold him over our shoulders, tummy pressed tight against us- a classic need of a baby with colic. Long story cut short, he was expected to behave like a six month old when he was only 2 months old-( he does all of the above now). The only reason he wasn't looking or behaving as these expectations according to many was Me! The way I treated him for the mere 2 months of his life were the only reason for his behavior!! Sigh, no wonder Dr. Sears said, "Beware of baby trainers!”
When my tiny little child caught a blocked nose, the doctor didn't even prescribe anything at first saying it will go on its own. But on persuasion, and on the grounds that I’ll be traveling with my son, he wrote us nasal drops asking me to use it only if needed. Before even I was pregnant I had vowed that when I had children, I will never let the pharmaceutical industry get the better of them. Yes, I will give them pills and syrups when absolutely necessary but never when it isn't. I had vowed to give their bodies a chance to fight and heal themselves. Every morning when he woke up with blocked nose, it sure was a hard sight and reaching for the drops was too tempting. But I fought against all those temptations most of the time while praying hard for my baby and while repeating the mantras, "He is fighting. He is healing. This will pass. It’s just a blocked nose. If I let him depend on meds now, his body might never figure out that it can survive without them" While I was battling inside my head and heart, I was accused of being a cruel, heartless mother almost every single day. "Don't you feel like doing something to make him feel better?" "What kind of a mother are you? Letting your little child suffer like this?" Every single such word felt like sharp needles and knives on my spirit. The drive to do something for my child in line with my thoughts made me invest in a nebulizer. Now the sight of my baby in a nebulizer mask was the world's problem!
And the worst and the most meanest comment that I heard was circulating about me, "It is because I walk around uncovered, unveiled that my child is getting the evil eye and is crying so much!!! I hear this after walking around with my non-leaky boobs covered round the clock with inners and T-shirt or a nighty! I hear this after running into my room with my baby, shutting ourselves up from everyone and sitting with my back to the door for every single nursing session. And yet, I am "indecent" for not being covered in a veil all the time! Duh! Nursing in different kinds of clothes, with different kinds of openings is in itself so difficult when you and you baby are just learning the art. On top of that to load myself and my baby with a veil over us even when we are fairly conceived from male eyes?!! For what joy? I do not understand why the world is so keen on sexualizing breast feeding? When you are sleep deprived, when you have super aching backs, when you have painful stitches, when every joint hurts what sexual feelings can you possibly have? What sexual attention would you possibly crave for????????? For starters, if any mom out there shows enough courage to nurse without a cover it will be for comfort of the baby and herself and never to show off her booties!! I read somewhere an interesting and truthful quote, "If someone's being offended while you breastfeed, they are simply staring for too long!" :P If you really want to have a look- Look at the baby quenching his hunger, look at his eyes studying every feature of his mother, look at his puffy fingers playing with her hair, look at him smile at his mother when he feels full, look at his eyes widen in love for his mother and I promise you that you will never look at a woman who breastfeeds with lust or judgmental eyes!
Phew! To the women who have to deal with such comments and such suggestions on a daily basis in their lives, A BIG SALUTE, A BIG BOW and most importantly, A BIG HUG!
To the suggestion givers,
It is not that we do not love you. It is not that we haven't seen the good things you have done for us. It is not that we are not grateful. We are. We are very grateful for the delicious dishes you prepared for us, we are super thankful for the innumerable songs you taught us to sing to our child, we are ever so thankful for the tips and tricks you taught us to soothe our crying baby and entertain him, we are very very grateful for all those hours you spent doing the household chores so that I could nurse and look after our baby and our bodies, we are grateful you didn't let us sleep alone, we are ever so grateful for the time out you gave us by taking our child and looking after him until the next feed, we thank you for teaching us how to bathe our child, and above all we thank you with all our hearts and soul for all the boundless love you give us and our child.
-It is just that we wish you trusted us a little bit more with our child. Is it so difficult to trust two well educated, well meaning, mature adults to look after a baby that they have created?
-It’s just that we wish you were a little more kind and understanding. We hear what you say the first time itself. If we haven't obeyed what you asked us to do it’s because we do not wish to do it and we do not want to disrespect you, talk back and create a scene. Nothing is going to change just by repeating what you said again and again except our moods.
-It’s not that we believe we are know-it-alls or that we think we know more than you. You know a whole deal about life more than us. But we have chosen parenthood and it has come to us after much waiting, let us enjoy every part of it including the liberty to make mistakes. We might regret exactly the same things that we rebel for today, but we can't let that fear stop us from making decisions as parents. You have made your share of right doings as well as mistakes, it’s our turn now; give us a fair chance!
-We want you to know that when our child cries or throws tantrums or doesn't eat much or falls sick or behaves badly, it hurts us as much as it hurts you!!! Just because we seem to keep our composure over the issue doesn't -mean that we are encouraging these in anyway. We'll figure a way out of it all, just give us some time, trust and a break from the bombardment of suggestions.
-It is also not that we do not need any advice or any help from you. We do. Talk sense to us if our child really seems unhealthy, or isn't achieving his milestones, or if he is scientifically underweight for his age. Also, sometimes we become the same, scared, helpless kids that we once were and that's when we need you the most- not to accuse us or remind us about anything but to hear a few words of encouragement and support from your mouths coz whatever you say it sure strike our hearts and gets etched in our memories!
-Above all, we really really really want you to know that as much as we want to come to you, to spend time with you; as much as we want our kids to enjoy your company and your love for them, as much as we want them to familiarize with their roots, as much as we want them to feel the bliss of their own soil, culture and spirituality; we won't be able to bring ourselves to the same situations again! No, we are not scared for our kids, they'll sure be happy in your arms; but we will once again be accused, compared, advised, nagged, and cornered. We will once again become the next topic of your chai pe charcha (topic of discussion over tea).
NO!! For now, I cannot take it all once again. For now I need to heal. For now I need to breathe and take in and experience every aspect of a liberated motherhood and I am SURE that MY GOD, MY SUPER POWER, IS WITH ME IN THIS!!!!
JAI SRI KRISHNA! HAR HAR MAHADEV! AMME NARAYANA ;)
P.S. Pardon the long post this time, I really wanted to vent it out for not just me but for the thousands of mothers who are facing situations as these! Pardon errors if any, I really can't scroll up and edit the whole text, with the love of my life-my baby just waking up from his nap time :)
Much love!!
