It’s been -6 years since my chettan passed away💔
Like the psychologists say, we have built a life around the gaping hole of loss. Kind of like the only way to make a drawn line shorter if it can’t be erased, is to draw a longer line.
I do listen to it when the grief wave rises, I cry, I create, I listen to our songs, I accept its presence, let it rise and in return the wave subsides
We know we can’t see or interact with him in real for the rest of our lives, yet, our senses are on the look out for some glimmers of him in our surroundings.
The siblings playing in a park. The guy on a Pulsar bike.
And then some faces and personalities we keep watching repeatedly, bring comforting peace and connection in our tattered hearts. Let’s dig in the farthest connections first.
Anyone who has known chettan, agree that he gives out major DQ vibes. Bangalore days DQ is so him. Even his voice, heard my brother sing ‘aa bucket’? Then you’d definitely agree the similarity when you then hear DQs ‘dingari dingale’. Sharfudeen, Shariq. Lolan from karikk, Vineet sreenivasan, basil and gang giving off major vibes of the times we shared with Sashu who had the same aura.
Such a balm to our wounds to watch them, but at times it’s painful too.
Chettan was a wise rebel inside, he had perfect plans for his future at every stage but he also had a heart that did not want to disappoint his loved ones. We live everyday eating the guilt that we didn’t let him do what he wanted just because none of us understood his point of view, that sounded far fetched and impractical at the time.
He sketched really well, accurately! Once he had forgotten to buy the picture chart of freedom fighters for his project that was due for submission the next day. I saw he didn’t tell acha and was upto some other plan b. When he finished I went and saw and gaped wide eyed at his marvelous creation… he drew the portraits of many freedom fighters, so realistically! He enjoyed drawing but never pursued it enough to his potential.
He hated the corporate set up he entered against his will. He did well but complained every day. The middle class us thought quitting from such a big company as Infosys would be a foolish choice, basically the anxiety of dealing with unemployment…even for a while. So he continued feeling miserable in a world not meant for him.
He didn’t like the way he got married either! Again because we did not let him back out.
So, when a little boy came and showed me his blogs and added me as a friend on social media, I slowly began to see the uncanny resemblance in the face and form he was growing into, (confirmed by my son), in his interests, what he read watched and wondered about were just about the same as chettan. And to top it all the tough on the outside but sensitive on the inside. I was so happy to see another kutty sanku grow up!
And then Sashu went.
What is left with me to experience a little of his essence at least are all these doppelgängers .
The closest and most loved one being the little boy I mentioned above, & he is not little anymore.
Somewhere by some bizzare freudian turn of tables I began crushing on this guy for a few days, thanks to my You tube random auto played Bollywood songs. Seriously Bollywood you need to make more songs on the 1000s of topics other that love!! This happened inspite of the fact that I love my amazing out of this world husband and wouldn’t let anything break what we have here!
I now completely agree with the term Prem ROG. ‘Coz as soon as the feeling started a whirlwind of attraction guilt love and care for two men, all the family histories I’ve been exposed to kept me sick and awake for days together.
Paranoia, persecutive delusions, manic bipolar schizophrenia … new new terms getting added to my diagnosis. Starting to clearly see the whole experience objectively now. Crush gone. Precious family on. I wish and pray for the boy well, for I’m thrilled and excited he is bravely living the life my chettan longed for.
God is kindly showing me the best what if scenario right in front of my eyes. May success be his.
However, life has taught me harshly that doppelgängers are never ever real and nothing and no one I meet can be him. He has passed this mayajaal for his own good, I believe. That story is OVER, CLOSED FOREVER in this lifetime. He really truly completely fully has gone.
Tonight I accept that he has really truly completely fully gone.
Doppelgängers belong to others, in this tu tu main main world, where almost no one can, including me, experience life and love beyond the barriers of I me mine, none of the doppelgängers truly belong to me!…
Hah! What freedom in releasing.
May be the lightness i am feeling now shall finally put me to sleep, so good night.
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